Chiseling away the negativity

Why are people always telling us to “think positive”? In my experience, negative thoughts been far more helpful when it comes to guiding me towards what I really truly want. I’m 21 years old–way too young to know precisely what I want in a romantic partner, or whether I want a romantic partner at all. But through various relationships, I’ve been able to realize what I don’t want, and I’ve learned how to look for those qualities.

1: I don’t want a momma’s boy. The idea of a grown man who’s still wrapped around his mommy’s little finger is wholly unappealing (and frightening) to me. I am a very strong-minded, progressive and independent woman. I’m not fond of following tradition for tradition’s sake. My beliefs about how children should be raised conflict with beliefs of almost everyone I know. In my experience, mothers tend to be put off by this. They don’t like the idea of their little boy leaving the nest, and replacing Mother Dearest with some outspoken, pro-sex, pro-experimentation, unconventional woman. I’m uncomfortable with the possibility that when my partner and I argue, the mother (or possibly the father) will simply take his side, without listening to mine. When I know I’m right, I KNOW I’m right. I don’t want to waste time trying to convince Mommy.

2: I don’t want someone who acts like my parent, and feels the need to “teach me lessons.” First of all, paternalism really pisses me off. When people act like I’m not capable of making my own decisions, I don’t take it well. Sometimes I may mess up, but I’m human, I’m permitted. I may deal with conflict in ways you deem “immature”, but that does NOT give you the right to yell at me and humiliate me in front of other people. Or in private. You are not my parent–you’re my boyfriend. If you’re so bothered by the way I deal with conflict that you have to yell at me in public, then you probably shouldn’t be dating me in the first place.

3: I don’t want someone who’s incapable of apologizing. Even when it wasn’t on purpose. When I accidentally do/say something that hurts one of my friends’ feelings, I will say “I’m sorry,” even though it wasn’t intentional. Why? Because I AM sorry. I’m sorry that they experienced negative feelings that I (inadvertently) caused. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t understand that.

4: I don’t want someone who jokes about infidelity, as if it’s a laughing matter. To an extent, I believe that deep down inside every joke, there’s a kernel of truth. It irks me when guys say things like, “So how many numbers did you get?” when I get back from a night out with my friends, as if I’m that low of a person. It may be a “harmless joke” to you, but I see it as a reflection of insecurity. And if you don’t feel secure enough with me to (A) ask me if I’m cheating, or (B) talk to me about what “qualifies” as cheating, then why the hell are you dating me? And if after I tell you to knock off the jokes, because they have a seriously negative effect on me, then for the love of God, please knock it off! I don’t find infidelity funny.

5: I don’t want someone who doesn’t like my friends. Out of most of the people I know, I have one of the most varied social circles, so the “I don’t like them” excuse doesn’t really hold. Unless you are TRYING to avoid friendship, I guarantee you will find somebody that you click with. I wouldn’t be upset if my partner made a valiant effort to get to know my friends and spend time with them, but didn’t really click with them for some reason. But at least show me respect by respecting my choice of friends.

6: I don’t want someone who feels the need to argue with every little thing I say. When I’m out of class, I really don’t want to argue, especially about petty shit. I start feeling like I need to bring PubMed or Ebsco articles each time we hang out, that way I can justify the way I feel or think. Which isn’t fair at all. I can’t deal with argumentative people anymore.

7: I don’t want someone who doesn’t like cats. Enough said.

8: I don’t want someone who uses hunger as an excuse to be cranky. It’s not fair to everyone else around you–other people who just may be hungry too, but are still able to treat their friends civilly.